So I’m reading issue #33 of What is Enlightenment, (it’s not the newest one), and Andrew Cohen says:

…unless the individual is willing to own their own shadow, they are going to continue acting out of all those repressed impulses and continue creating karma, which means acting out of ignorance and unconsciousness in ways that cause suffering to others. And the whole definition of enlightenment is that, at least ideally, we are supposed to become so conscious, so awake, that we don’t create karma anymore.”

I agree, except I see one little piece missing. The sentence “cause suffering to others” I would add “and the self”. This is so key to me, because I believe what turns people off, at least in our culture, to spiritual learning and whatnot, is that the emphasis is on “doing good”. We’ve all been bored to death with do-gooding. The selfless Jesus-cross-martyr spirituality is over, it’s done, and it’s just not ever going to be hip again. This is where NVC comes in with its brilliant premise of being radically selfish. By pointing out very clearly (not theoretically, but practically), how when you get your needs met at anothers expense you end up paying for it later (with their resentment, anger, and unwillingness to cooperate), it shows a way to care about others while being totally about your own needs. You end up being about others needs because you get that there’s no way around that if you really want to be happy and have your own needs completely fulfilled.

I’d like to shift the discussion of karma from always centering on “what you do to others” to “what you do to yourself”. The same principles apply no matter where the harm lies. If you suppress your own needs, neglect them, meet some needs at the cost of other of your needs, you are creating more karma for yourself. (I hope as a side effect that this idea helps pop you out of the karma-is-punishment mindset.)

If you have a conditioned pattern of reacting to emotional stress by overworking (for instance), each time you do it you re-enact it, thus ensuring that the next time the situation comes around again you are going to feel that same urge to react in the same way. Just as in the quote above, by not facing your shadow (your repressed feelings, thoughts, and ultimately, needs), you are acting out of unconsciousness in ways that cause you to suffer.

The bottom line is that no matter whose needs don’t get met - yours or someone elses - any unconscious pattern you haven’t dissolved is going to come up again until you can stay conscious of it and make a choice in the face of it, rather than react.

Tags: enlightenment by emma
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Sometimes I observe a sense of confounded inexplicability behind the questions asked about school shootings. “How could they possibly do this?” etc. I want to offer two things: some ideas on what could be up for these kids, and also a clear conviction that the problem is not mysterious or unsolvable. This distinction is important to me because a problem is never solved until people believe it is solvable. Before that, they cry and throw up their hands but don’t get down to work. A willingness to change things generally comes after a certainty that things can in fact be changed, and the change will be better than the current situation.

So. Why would a kid shoot his classmates?

I would guess they have unmet needs for meaning, hope, belonging, acceptance, connection to something greater, choice, contribution, and connection.

Many of these kids have all their “sustenance” needs met – but not the real life-giving needs named above. I think “basic needs” for human go beyond food and shelter – we need a lot of emotional needs met to feel OK. I think studies have shown that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse – emotional neglect is worse than physical neglect.

I don’t see these incidents as isolated or strange. I see them as symptoms of these needs not being met by our culture in general. Kids, especially teenagers, don’t have much of a context to deal with the pain of all those human needs not getting met, and yet they feel that pain keenly. Our culture doesn’t encourage admitting that these needs aren’t met – and talking about them openly–and brainstorming solutions that would meet them. If you’re a teenager, and don’t know any of those needs will ever get met – let alone even have a consciousness that those need are there – and are just swirling in the pain and confusion of them not being met – that is a very desperate place to be.

That’s why I am a fan of NVC, because it can really change our culture to be one where everyone’s needs are met in profound ways – and the first step is learning to have a consciousness around needs in general – that they exist, that pain and violence are a result of them not being met, and that by talking about them, two of our deepest needs can be met: connection/empathy and contribution to each other’s wellbeing.

This clarity about the cause of suffering is essential. Without understanding the cause of something, it is very difficult to remedy it.

I also value NVC for humanizing “otherness” – seeing these kids as human, as kids in a great deal of pain, not inexplicable, but rather extreme expressions of the desperation any of us might feel in a similar situation. If we can own their expressions of pain as echoes of our own, then we can start to understand each others’ pain, and from that understanding, create healing and new ways to address these needs.

Tags: big ideas by emma
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I’ve been part of a conversation about authenticity and transparency over the last week with Sarah Dopp which has led to a very spot-on Venn diagram of transparency vs authenticity - the overlap is choice.

I’m excited about the clarity this provides. I think it also points to a more general Venn:

When we can all let each other make our own choices about how we get our needs met, whether the need is for authenticity or privacy or something else, then we’ll stop arguing about the “proper” or “right” way to be doing things, and we’ll all get along better.

This is why I love NVC: you see someone’s strategy, and if it bothers you, you then become curious and guess what need they are meeting. Something like this, “OH, so when you choose to not be transparent, you are meeting your need for privacy?”. Then you get to have a conversation where you are curious about where the other person is at and why they are doing what they are doing. Bingo, authentic connection.

Tags: nvc by emma
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Many people are motivated either by the carrot or the stick: reward or punishment. Reward and punishment is embedded in our education system, our justice system, our economic system, and many parenting models. It starts with wanting to get good grades and gold stars. Or avoid disappointing our parents.

I believe to be truly creative and free (not to mention happy) it’s essential to root out the extrinsic motivating factors from our brain and do what is in our hearts. True motivation is “What is alive in me today? What makes my heart sing? What am I passionate and excited about doing?”.

Some definitions

Intrinsic motivation = when you do something because you want to.

Extrinsic motivation = when you do something because of the result it will get you - generally, either avoiding punishment or receiving a reward.

Our culture runs on extrinsic motivation. Schools, parenting, the justice system, our economic system - they are all focused on rewarding certain behaviors and punishing other behaviors.

There is research showing that rewarding people damages their intrinsic motivation to do a task, even when they previously enjoyed doing it. Once you get hooked on the reward, you lose touch with your internal motivation. But neither punishment or reward work as long term motivators.

Extrinsic motivation is bad for your mental health

In our culture, a mid-life crisis is expected. Why? Why do we end up with people who are 30, 40, 50 and wondering what they are living for anyway?

I think this phenomenon and the high percentages of depression in industrialized countries is related to our focus on what an activitity will get us rather than finding and doing the activities we enjoy for their own sake.

You know what it’s called when you enjoy what you are doing? Play. We have a special word for doing activity we enjoy, because so much of the time we are doing things we think we ‘have’ to do but don’t want to. What is up with that? These are our lives we are talking about.

Many people give up on living lives that are truly enjoyable every day. They believe this myth of “there are just some things you’ve gotta do” or “that’s just the way it is”. Well I think that is B.S. There are lots of choices in life, and the major one we all have is whether or not to give up on what we truly want, or keep being creative and persistent until we make it happen.

Protecting what is precious

I’ll tell you what gives you that kind of energy: being devoted to protecting and following your heart.

There are lots of things in the world that will sap your energy, if you let them. Watching the TV news, for instance, will just about do me in. So I stopped. For 10 years I haven’t gone near the major news channels. Because I could see that it would destroy something inside me: my faith in the world, in humanity.

It’s up to you to protect what is fragile and precious in yourself: your true desires, your dreams, your faith in yourself, your belief that you can create a life for yourself that is what you want. Not to mention your faith in your fellow humans, that we are all doing the best we can, and we will get there someday–to the world we all can enjoy.

We can change the world, but to do that we have to believe it can be changed. There is so much out there that is negative. I’m not saying live in a cave or in denial. I’m saying do what you need to do to protect what can be so easily damaged. That still small voice in yourself can get drowned out by despair pretty easily. It’s up to you to fight for it, in a world that can be very harsh.

Pay yourself first

When you catch a vision of who you are, of what you want to do, that comes straight from your heart–say yes to it. Whatever it is, put it first. Before your job, before what you “have to do”. Take the financial concept of “pay yourself first” and apply it to your dreams. Pay your energy, your passion, to yourself first.

It takes dedication. It takes being willing to go against the grain of pessimism and cynicism. But it is the birthplace of joy. Nothing feels better than knowing who you are and that you are going for what you truly believe in: that you are giving yourself to your path, your purpose, your heart’s longing.

To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else— means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

~ e.e. cummings

Tags: big ideas by emma
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This is the birthplace of joy: radical self-approval. Approve of your dreams, and say yes to them. Let yourself know that who you are matters. Couple that with radical self-acceptance and self-forgiveness and you will have all the energy that you need to accomplish what you want.

It’s important that we all shine in our individual ways. Comparisons are over. What is important is not that we be better than the person next to us, but that we find what is uniquely ours to share. The only thing we are going to be uniquely excellent at is being fully ourselves. We must be replete with our own magic. One of my teachers once said something like, “Your brilliant magnificence is so obvious that you are unaware of it”. The Buddha said, “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change”. Dan Millman wrote “There are no ordinary moments”.

Spiritual awareness is about un-habituating ourselves.

For instance, notice all the times in a day when you criticize yourself, or wonder in fear if you are really good enough. Stop letting those moments go by. Stop them, and change them. Make a different moment.

Then notice all the beauty of the world you have become habituated to.

Love yourself first. Before you worry about the outcome, the presentation, the work, the results - love yourself. Forgive yourself. Don’t let your mind be a buzzkill and you will be high for life.

If you still believe you need to punish yourself to get results, that if you stopped you would no longer grow or get things done, think about this: if you yell at a flower does it grow faster? If you punish a tree does it grow taller? No. If anything it grows crooked. We are all becoming who we are anyway. The best gift you can give yourself is light and nourishment and radical permission to be the magnificence that you already are.

Have your own back

The secret to happiness is to be your own best friend. You do that for yourself, and you get happy.

You’ve got to have your own back. If you want to get something done in the world, you’ve got to stop sapping your own energy with self-criticism, or self-denial, or self-hatred.

You’ve also got to know how to go for what you want, and keep promises to yourself. You’ve got to say yes to your deepest longings, and believe in them, because when you don’t, you break your own heart. And you’ll never trust yourself if you do that. Loving yourself starts with being able to trust yourself, that you won’t sell yourself out. You can love someone you don’t trust, but you can’t really be close to them. And you want to be close to yourself. You want to whole. You want to be undivided.

Tags: joyrant by emma
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I’d like to start a new social meme that looks at cynicism as mildly immature and definitely not hip. Let’s equate cool with faith in each other and humanity as a whole, willingness to be engaged, and non-violent social skills. Let’s drop “king of the heap” and “I know more jargon than you” games. Let’s also drop “we’re all doomed” and “nothing matters anyway”. That won’t get us there.

We have a long way to go as a species.

The next few decades are crucial. We need to:

1. change the material basis of our society so it is clean ie non-polluting ie zero waste
2. consciously realize we have enough
3. change our social, economic, and justice systems to become non-violent and meet the needs of everyone at the cost of no-one

Here is what will help:

• beginner’s mind
• curiosity
• collaboration
• seeing it as a process
• willingness to forgive ourselves and each other the unequal rates of learning as our whole species gets up to speed on rapidly changing paradigms

Let’s stop being afraid of the future as if we are victims of it, and get down to the the work of creating the future we want.

Everybody say “yeah!”.

Tags: big ideas by emma
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What is it?

Guaranteed income is the idea that the government would provide a basic level of health and wellbeing to every citizen of the country, guaranteed. It wouldn’t be welfare, because everyone would get it. It would provide a basic safety net for everyone, period. And it would let anyone who was working on something that wasn’t directly or immediately profitable (education, art, theoretical ideas with no practical purpose yet) be supported without stressing about money. And it wouldn’t stop anyone who wanted to earn more from working a normal job. People can still be as consumerist as ever - just no one will be in abject poverty.

Why is it important?

1. We are losing millions of good ideas and productive hours to poverty, and everything that goes along with it (drugs, crime, etc). This is just plain stupid.

2. We are losing many brilliant contributions from creative people who just can’t figure out how to make a decent living that still gives them time and mental energy to spend on their creativity. While it’s possible to figure out how to make a living without working 8 hours a day (passive income), it takes effort and mindset changes (here’s my blog on that). Many people compromise by working part-time at menial jobs so they can keep their brain juice for their real work - or they work at jobs that take all their brain power and just give up developing original thoughts. With guaranteed income, people would at least have the option to devote themselves to developing their gifts. We’d all benefit.

3. A fundamental shift in conscicousness becomes possible if you are not always worrying about your material survival. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy: safety and food are on the bottom. They form the foundation. You just can’t really relax and spend all your brain on higher things if you are worried about survival. Almost every person in this country has a small part of their brain that is devoted to worrying about the possibility that they might end up homeless someday, because there just isn’t a safety net. How many man-hours are spent thinking about, comparing, shopping for insurance? Or worrying that somehow, someway, something might happen and insurance wouldn’t cover it and then bam. How secure do you really feel? How would it change your mind if you really had the safety of knowing that no matter what happened, you would always be able to take care of your basic needs? Even if your family was gone, and you got hit by a bus?

4. How would it change our national mindset if we all felt that we take care of our own people no matter what? I think it hurts all of us in ways we don’t realize to walk by homeless people every day and become inured to it. It takes away a little bit of our humanity every day.

5. We are going towards more and more automation. We don’t need everyone to be working all the time. How much of what people are doing is pointless busywork anyway? What if you had them quit and go home and do a better job raising their kids? Everyone would benefit.

6. This is not just a hippie idea. Many Nobel-winning economists support it.

Here are some links to learn more:

• Freedom, not Full Employment - well worded concise arguments
• Basic Income Earth Network definition of Basic Income
• What is the Basic Income Guarantee? - more technical; discusses implementation strategies
• Wikipedia entry

Tags: big ideas by emma
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Most debates between “religious” people and “scientific” people are horribly boring:

RP: God exists! It’s obvious! <lists evidence>

SP: God doesn’t exist! It’s obvious! <lists evidence>

I find it about as interesting as “Bush is evil!” discussions.

Why does this happen?

Let’s look at it from NVC: a conflict is generally caused by a misunderstanding of needs vs strategy and a deficiency of empathy. On both sides, people have been bashing each other the head with their views for a long time and seeing the other side as somewhat less than fully human. One side sees the other as corrupted by faith (irrational ninnies), and the other as corrupted by science (godless heathens). This is what keeps the various sides from reaching understanding.

How do we get somewhere new?

Curiosity. Be the first one to offer openness rather than judgment, curiosity rather than contradiction, dialog rather than dismissal. But it has to be genuine. If you believe you already know whatever it is that the other person will say, what they have experienced, why they believe what they do, or have a pet theory that they are all deluded or in need of a psychological crutch, that you know the real truth and they are wrong, or their ideas are “dangerous”, then it won’t work.

An open mind is one that is genuinely willing to be changed. A real dialog always changes the hearer, because new information comes to light–things you didn’t know you didn’t know. If you aren’t willing for your mind to be changed, then your mind is closed.

Sometimes it boils down to semantics.

I have had conversations with people who are staunch, irrefutable atheists. If I talk about God I get a stone wall (ouch!). I ask them if they have ever had a spiritual experience. Nope, and that’s all hogwash.

But then (maybe as part of a different discussion so I get an honest answer), I say hey, have you ever had a moment like this, maybe you were out hiking out in the country, and the light sparks over the horizon and things light up just so and everything seems to just fit, and you find yourself smiling, because the whole world seems to somehow make sense and work together even when it doesn’t and it’s like you can feel that perfection inside you too?

Yeah, that’s happened to me.

Well OK that’s what I mean by “a spiritual experience”. This is what I’m talking about!

Scientific fundamentalism is just as frustrating as religious fundamentalism.

I want to shout out to all the geeks and scientists who haven’t questioned their assumptions about God, “Hey, there is more to God than Christianity, there is more to God than you think”. There is usefulness in the various understandings about this thing people call God. It’s a helpful concept, and not just in a “helps people feel better about the meaningless void of existence” kind of way. The thing that mystics have been getting in touch with isn’t make-believe. Real mystics tend to be very smart, very aware people. They experience an intuitive sensation of the reality that physicists are discovering right now–that everything is connected. How do they sense it? That is the part that we are going to figure out eventually, but that doesn’t make the sensing of it impossible. Just poorly researched.

But I don’t believe it’s only mystics and monks who can feel the existence of God, and I don’t mean “God a dude with a white beard” but “God the interconnectedness of everything”. I think that’s an experience most people have felt at one time or another, and an experience that can be cultivated (no drugs necessary). Be curious about it. See what happens.

And let’s all stop trying to be in the “in” club of skepticism. Skepticism and pessimism are boring. They are positions based in fear of being ridiculed.

Risk a little. Be curious about God. Let’s figure out what is really going on in this Universe.

Tags: big ideas by emma
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What is the overlap between transparency and authenticity? This question was posed to me by a friend today.

First I responded within my NVC-hippy framework: “authenticity is what-is-alive-in-me; transparency is a conscious choice I make to share that because that is the kind of world I want to live in.”

This is true, but I am aware with recent urgency that not everyone is going to share my hippie values. And yet transparency is a huge part of the blogoshere culture. So why is transparency valuable to non-hippies?

Today I met Justin at Beer and Blog and he suggested that transparency is a communications strategy that emerges as necessary at a certain point. Duh! It’s not just a feel good thing, it’s a pragmatic thing.

Transparency becomes important at a certain level of complexity. It’s about moving forward quickly and problem solving within complex territory. The more data you have out in the open, the more everybody knows what is going on and can make use of that data quickly. Example: open source = code transparency.

Once you get to a certain point, anything less than transparency just doesn’t make sense. If you want to move forward, everyone needs access to the data.

This takes transparency out of the space of values and authenticity and into the realm of plain old effectiveness. Which I think is the realm that will win, because geeks will rule the next world order and geeks bottom line at pragmatism.

It also takes us out of the messy space of politics. I think politics will eventually be dead as we all learn that it just doesn’t matter and that “what other people think about me is none of my business”. I am defining politics here as “the codification of taking things personally”. I’m talking about things like identity politics and political correctness, not things like voting. When the whole world realizes, at the same time, that what is most effective is to do what you are doing and let other people do what they are doing, then transparency will become a lot easier and more effective. But until then, I’m going to practice it anyway, and hone my ability to take nothing personally.

Tags: big ideas by emma
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On the leading edge of geekdom and philosophy are ideas like the singularity, the transhumanist movement, and the noosphere. I believe it’s all going to happen, and quicker than we realize.

What I see is a bunch of geeks discussing spiritual concepts, mystical concepts, but there still being an untouchable aura of taboo around the idea of spirituality or God.

Then I see mystics and “woo-woo” people understanding these concepts on an intuitive level, but not having the clarity or discipline to discuss them in a way that geeks can grok.

I want to bridge the gap.

I want to talk about God in a way that makes sense, in a pragmatic, reality-based way. In a “what is really going on here, in this Universe?” kind of way.

I also see therapists and healers of various persuasions, as well as conflict resolution people and communication experts talking about really helpful stuff that could make the technological revolution go smoother. And I see it getting dismissed or just not given the same level of importance as technological innovation or business innovation. But it is important, and it will only become more important as our world changes.

I want to translate mysticism and emotional healing work into a language that geeks get, and encourage geeks everywhere to investigate these topics. They matter. And to investigate with an open mind first. Curiosity first, before criticism. In the new integral world we are creating, every perspective matters. Every field holds some of the truth, and only through sharing openly and non-judgmentally will we all learn what we need to learn to move forward. It’s a blind-men-and-the-elephant kind of thing.

Join me. Talk with me. Let’s figure out how we can create a world that rocks.

Tags: big ideas by emma
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